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we're kings among runaways
Jul. 3rd, 2006 | 03:38 pm
But here in our hollow we fuse like a family
In the silence of the aftermath only pain is left, a silent throbbing ever present pain that consumes and tortures and just is, a part of you, like your left hand, your right foot, the lungs you use to breath. Killing you as much as keeping you alive. Because what is there now? Other than pain?
I didn't let it drown me, not like it drowns you. I've always been the stronger swimmer. But that doesn't mean it didn't tear at my heart the way it tore at yours, it doesn't mean that I wasn't right fucking there in the next seat, two feet away, barely conscious to receive his last words. Have you ever carried a burden so heavy?
What if something is lost in translation?
What if you miss a word? Isn't every words as important as the next, each one carefully chosen, the last he'll ever say. And he knew. You ask me in the dark, a whisper again and again. Did he know Cal? Did he know it was over for him?
Yes. Yes. Yes. Can you even imagine? Maybe you can, choosing to end it yourself, early. He knew. And every word sank right to my soul, and what if it had been my end too? What if I had died there an unemptied vessel of his last pleas and promises? What then? And maybe that's the only reason I survived, broken back, destroyed knee, blood pooling hot and low on my stomach, my beloved sister unresponsive behind me, Aidan pale, pinned, did he hear what was said? He'll never let on.
The screaming physical pain is mute for awhile. It'll come later, eating, burning, tearing. But for now. Silent.
Was he in pain in the end?
Yes, but so were we, but pain in the end is nothing compared to the knowledge that it is, in fact, the end. And I was not the brother he wanted. Do you understand that either? Being there, forced, and not wanted. Loved, sure, of course, he was my brother. But it was always you Liam, for him. His best friend, his brother, his, oh but I can't say that here, can I? Can't say all the things I'm not to you, I wasn't to him. And maybe there isn't a name for all the things you were to each other.
No one's ever needed or loved me like that. Hanuah a little, maybe, and maybe she'll learn to. But she's young, so young, and beautiful, yes, but still become a woman.
Do we ever know, really, who we want to say our last words too? Do we plan what we should say?
What did he say Callum?
Do you remember how hoarse your voice was? Broken. Over and over again pleading, because I knew and you didn't and that killed you.
I couldn't touch him in those final moments, did you know that? The way my body was, my back, I couldn't reach him, and he was dying, and I knew and I couldn't reach him. It's worse than not being there at all. Watching him choke on air and tears and words he can barely get out, and oh God what if I missed some all important phrase and he'll never be there to repeat or correct.
It hurts.
He was my brother too.
I feel robbed somewhat. I was there dammit. I was the better brother, right? I never fought with him or disobeyed him, I idolized him, more than you ever did. And still he chose you.
Because your Liam, and if we had a choice we'd all choose you.
But who would you choose? You, who are so eager to end it. Who, when you imagine death, hears your last words? Or in your haste to discard the pain have you not thought so far ahead?
I've seen death, I've seen it come into a life and take it away, I've seen the light leave someone's eyes, and I've seen tears dry before a bus ever comes to help, I've sat with death for hours now, and I'll never forgive you if you leave me before your time.
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(no subject)
May. 18th, 2006 | 09:47 pm
update: i'm back from australia, sooner than i thought i'd be.
my brother tried to kill himself, which i have decided is decidedly unfair because he's the only one i've got
my little aidan is breaking at the seams and i hardly know where to start holding him together, or if i even should
i have this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that hanuah was my girl, and now she isn't, and there'll never be another
i have a new scar and i still don't understand why pain exists
my brother tried to kill himself, which i have decided is decidedly unfair because he's the only one i've got
my little aidan is breaking at the seams and i hardly know where to start holding him together, or if i even should
i have this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that hanuah was my girl, and now she isn't, and there'll never be another
i have a new scar and i still don't understand why pain exists
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(no subject)
Mar. 8th, 2006 | 06:15 pm
get over yourselves. we lied. you embarrassed yourself. FUCK OFF. i'm too old for your shit.
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(no subject)
Feb. 23rd, 2006 | 11:41 pm
Hold your glass up, hold it in
Never betray the way you've always known it is.
i'm awake now little one, and not at work.
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(no subject)
Feb. 17th, 2006 | 05:43 pm
in surfing you don't follow the sun, you follow the storm.
-my roommate eric
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(no subject)
Feb. 14th, 2006 | 10:55 am
happy valentine's day.
for everyone else who reads my journal
sean is liam's good friend from secondary school
"he" is a kid that sean dated for awhile
"he" broke sean's heart
so hanuah doesn't like him
i know you think my whole life is about you
but really
it's all about my family
and
my friends
and greenwich ave, wasn't supposed to mean
anything to you
but nice try
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(no subject)
Feb. 13th, 2006 | 07:35 pm
has sent her running to me
so thanks i guess
and by the way.
the reason she doesn't like him
is because his relationship with sean
is sketch
to say the least
and we're loyal to our friends
he lives on greenwich ave, by the way
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(no subject)
Feb. 12th, 2006 | 01:45 pm
just like we remembered it
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(no subject)
Feb. 10th, 2006 | 11:08 am
Alexi Murdoch - Orange Sky
Well I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
Yes I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
With my brother standing by
With my brother standing by
I said Brother, you know you know
It’s a long road we’ve been walking on
Brother you know it is you know it is
Such a long road we’ve been walking on
And I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
With my sister standing by
With my sister standing by
I said Sister, here is what I know now
Here is what I know now
Goes like this..
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, in your love, in your love
But sister you know I’m so weary
And you know sister
My hearts been broken
Sometimes, sometimes
My mind is too strong to carry on
Too strong to carry on
When I am alone
When I’ve thrown off the weight of this crazy stone
When I've lost all care for the things I own
That's when I miss you, that's when I miss you, that's when I miss you
You who are my home
You who are my home
And here is what I know now
Here is what I know now
Goes like this..
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, in your love, in your love
Well I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
Yes I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
With my brother and my sister standing by
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what I do now will affect what comes next
Feb. 9th, 2006 | 02:04 pm
i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry
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In a world that lacks commitment
Feb. 8th, 2006 | 09:13 pm
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(no subject)
Feb. 8th, 2006 | 11:15 am
for hours at a time.
where on earth does she get to?
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(no subject)
Feb. 7th, 2006 | 09:18 pm
she met n.r.